No clue where the road is going...
just taking time and enjoying the view...
Friday, June 30, 2006
She Asked...
Just because Miranda tagged me...here's still more about me:
#1 - The book nearest me ...page 18 line 4... Wicked by Gregory Maguire..."You chew the leaves of the pinlobble leaves, duckie, you do that. You'll" #2 Stretch out left arm.....what do you touch? nothing...my computer sits in the middle of a wall with nothing next to it.... #3 Last thing watched on television...? Once Upon A Time in Mexico #4 Without looking what time is it? 9:30 PM #5 What actual time is it? 9:26 PM #6 With the exception of the computer what can you hear? TV...my neighbors talking on their driveway....my Son snoring #7 When did you last step outside? 5 PM to get some clothes for my Son from his Mother #8 Before this survey what did you look at? A couple of the blogs that I enjoy reading... #9 What are you wearing? Shorts and a t-shirt... #10 Did you dream last night? Yes #11 When did you last laugh? About 2 minutes ago while helping a Friend with a computer problem in IM... #12 What is on the walls in the room? A print of Sunday in the Park and a handwoven Mexican blanket. #13 Seen anything weird lately? A poorly dressed woman standing on the side of the road next to a sign that said For Sale by Owner. #14 What do you think of this quiz? I liked it enough to do it... #15 What is the last film you saw? Currently watching The Great Escape... #17 Tell me something we don't know ... One of my cousins has been involved with the production of albums that have sold more than 45 million units worldwide...including working with a variety of artists from Santana to Chaka Kahn to Vanilla Ice. #18 If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do? Make people more tolerant of each other's way of life. #19 Do you like to dance? Yes #20 George Bush? Believe it or not...NOT the worst option. #21 Imagine your first child is a girl... She would have been a Princess that had her Daddy wrapped around her little finger. #22 Imagine your first child is a boy ... He is...thank you very much. #23 Would you consider living abroad? Absolutely...anywhere in the UK, Italy, Greece or Australia #24 What would God say to you when you reach the pearly gates? Bet you didn't expect to see me...did ya'??? #25 3 people who will do this quiz ... I would love to see Anna's answers....Anastasia would be great at this one...and how about Zibi when he gets home on Monday
Yesterday's post took a long time to get just right and even after posting it, I'm still not sure I did get it just right. As I read it through, I vary between seeing someone that was too weak to have held on to something amazing and seeing someone that was strong enough to do the hardest thing in life...let go. I wasn't seeking pity or affirmation when I wrote it and I'm not seeking them now...I just needed to get out something that has been rattling around inside.
I do however feel that I owe DG an apology...a couple of weeks ago you asked if anyone had ever let go of a loved one and I didn't answer. At the time I was still torn up and raw inside from having done that and wasn't ready to share...in fact it took several weeks of walking in a very dark place to get to this point where I could have written what I did yesterday. My friend, I'm sorry I hadn't posted a comment then...perhaps you would have had some advice for a friend in pain...
During that time, there were only 2 people that knew how dark a place I had gone to. One of those people provided me with unwavering support and Friendship through our nightly 'conversations' on IM...and even though I don't think I've ever said it... Thank you!! (You know I've meant to say it...right?) You kept me smiling during those dark weeks - I am eternally in your debt and I will be here for you and yours always. As for the other person...I know that you are still part of my life today only because of the strength of what we share...had there been anything less between us I would not have my Best Friend by my side today...ILY. Now and Always.
Wow...hadn't intended for this post to get so heavy...sorry if it's brought a dark cloud to anyone's Friday. I am truly enjoying my view today. I wish all my Canadian friends a Happy Canada Day and a Happy 4th of July weekend to all my friends here in the States. I hope that you get to spend at least part of your weekend enjoying your own view.
Preface: I've started and stopped this post today three or four dozen times. Each time I start to write freely from what's inside it starts to drift and ramble...so I try to reign it in and it collapses. It's not that I need the post to be perfect, but I do need it to be accurate. To let it wander and maybe eventually get to my point would be to do injustice to myself and my topic. The seeds of my post had been fermenting when I read what DG had to say this morning...and with his approval I will be using some of his thoughts here...as needed. Ok...here we go...quiet on the set...cameras to speed...sound...and...take 49...action!!!
As human beings we are hard wired from the factory to love and be loved. However... once in your life, if you're really lucky, you find someone that will share a love with you that is unlike any other that you have ever experienced before or ever will again.
When you find that love it doesn't matter what casing that they carry around in this world...they could be male or female...tall or short...skinny or fat...Earthling or Martian (ok just checking to see if you were paying attention...). What matters when you find that love is the completeness...the purity...the depth of that love.
DG wrote, among other things and in no particular order, love is unconditional acceptance... the sacrifice for another... submission... unyielding... patient... (without) boundaries or time constraints... (and) just what you make it.
Occasionally that love comes to fruition and you get that fairy tale happily ever after. Sometimes it doesn't and you find yourself playing the part of Rick to someone else's Laszlo by letting Ilsa go.
When this happens you are faced with two paths to take...one is the descent into the darkness of despair and wallowing in the pain of loss or the other, which is to walk in the light beside the one you love...sharing their happiness, participating in their world, supporting them with every step with unconditional acceptance. Neither path is easy to walk...but you must choose one and stick to it...such is the nature of life.
Yes, I speak from experience...and for the record I have chosen the path in the light...I may not have the happily ever after I looked forward to with that amazing woman - but I do have a different happily ever after with a lifelong Friend that knows me better than anyone in the world (myself included sometimes). I have a place in her life that will never change and a place in her heart that can never be touched by anyone else. All in all...I would say it's not a bad place to be.
I know that DG said that his list wasn't complete...but as a means of wrapping up this post, I want to add something that I think he missed...
After dropping my Son off last night, I suddenly felt very....whistful for lack of a better word. For some reason I was thinking about the old saying that home is where the heart is...I don't think that it's quite right...I think, instead, that the heart is where Home is. I gave it a bit more thought and just let the stuff pour out...the lines that follow are what happened...
All of us are searching for that place, where no matter what happens...no matter how bad the outside world may get...it will always be that one place where we are safe... loved... cherished... adored... wanted... appreciated... that one place called Home.
Home is found in many a place...music...art...poetry...a remembered smell or taste...a child's laugh...a smile from a friend...a lover's touch...but always within our Hearts.
Sometimes we give away the keys to that place called Home, to someone that is unworthy of the gift...but when it is shared with someone that makes your mind soar...soul fly...pulse race...skin tingle...there is no greater joy.
Each of you that suffer through my drivel daily knows a different path to my Home...some of you are just transients, here for a moment to leave your mark then you will be gone like the wind...some will forever live on the outer edges, close and cherished life-long friends...others will dwell deep within, where the line between friend and Family starts to get blurry...and a few will always run free, far within the core where only Family resides...but no matter where you may stay you each hold a different key that opens doors to who I am.
Ok...I freely admit to having ripped this off of Miranda...but I wanted an easy post....so here's a little bit more about Mr. G....
Name: Michael (Shocking I know...but yes I do have a real first name...LOL)
Birthday: October 3
Birthplace: Chicago, IL, USA
Current Location: Northern Suburbs of Chicago, IL, USA
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown, with reddish tones but it gets more red when I'm happy
Height: 5'7"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: Pure-bred American Mutt...I can trace heritage back across 3 Continents though...
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black loafers
Your Weakness: hmmm...which one to share??? LOL! OK....CHOCOLATE...
Your Fears: Losing someone I love...Death...worldwide chocolate shortages...
Your Perfect Pizza: The one that I'm going to share with a Friend from afar....toppings to be determined...
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get that long overdue hug.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: wb (welcome back)...the person I talk with most these days usually has several interruptions during our talks...
Thoughts First Waking Up: I made it...
Your Best Physical Feature: I think my eyes
Your Bedtime: whenever I get tired enough
Your Most Missed Memory: 4 hour conversations with my Best Friend...
Pepsi or Coke: COKE!!!
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or Group Dates: Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea...but I prefer Red Rose....
Chocolate or Vanilla: CHOCOLATE!!! (duh!)
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee
Do you Smoke: the occasional cigar
Do you Swear: more often than I fucking should
Do you Sing: Yes...badly most of the time, but I sing.
Do you Shower Daily: Yes...sometimes multiple times a day
Have you Been in Love: Absolutely
Do you want to go to College: One day I would love to finish my degree for peace of mind...but it will keep...
Do you want to get Married: Been there done that, won't say it won't happen again (just need to find and date a NORMAL woman first)
Do you belive in yourself: Sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness: Nope
Do you think you are Attractive: I suppose...after all I haven't scared any small children
Are you a Health Freak: not any more.
Do you get along with your Parents: most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms: I love thunderstorms.
Do you play an Instrument: Does the radio count??
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: No
In the past month have you been on Drugs: No
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Unfortunately...LOL!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Nope
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No...but the month isn't over yet and that sounds like a great idea....
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Not in the past month...
In the past month have you been on Stage: No
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No
Ever been Drunk: Yes
Ever been called a Tease: Yes...and that's all I have to say about that...
Ever been Beaten up: No
Ever Shoplifted: No
How do you want to Die: Quietly in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Surrounded by my Family and Friends
What country would you most like to Visit: England
Best Clothing Style: I like to think a Tuxedo...but I love my jeans...
Number of Drugs I have taken: Besides pain meds...1 'illegal' drug
Number of CDs I own: too damn many...I love music
Number of Piercings: None
Number of Tattoos: None...yet...
Number of things in my Past I Regret: A few, don't we all? (Thanks for the perfect answer Miranda...I'm not changing a word...)
In a Boy/Girl..
favoritee Eye Color: Blue
favoritee Hair Color: Yes...lol..it doesn't matter to me
Short or Long Hair: I've always liked long hair...but on the right woman short hair is great
Height: It doesn't matter...
Weight: Whatever you're comfortable with....if you're comfortable in your own skin then who am I to say differently?
They say a Gentleman never kisses and tells...I am a Gentleman (yes we do still exist).
That being said...if there is no kissing (or anything else)a Gentleman then has the discretion of revealing whatever details he may choose about a first date.
So...while remaining a Gentleman let's start by saying that there will be no second date with this woman. Continuing as a Gentleman let's conclude by saying that we just weren't a match.
Ok...so....putting away my Gentleman hat for a moment - I've gotta vent...
Saturday night was the longest 3 hours I have ever spent with another human being in my entire life. Not only did we have little in common to discuss...but she was looking for something that I neither could or intended to provide. Without coming directly out and saying it, she is looking for a combination of someone older to provide for her...a Sugar Daddy...and a sex toy. I learned more about the sexual appetites and habits of this particular 22 year old girl than I ever needed to know.
Just so you don't think I'm exaggerating...how many of you women would tell a first date that wasn't sharing the details of his sex life with you that the only time you were not going commando was when 'Aunt Flo' visited???
Needless to say, the night didn't end the way she expected...she got walked to the door and hugged good night. I told her that she's welcome to join my Son and I for dinner whenever she misses him too much...but I will NOT be going out with that person ever again (no I didn't tell her that...give me some credit for tact, please).
I'm kinda hoping that Miranda is right and the dating world isn't full of freaks like that, but at the same time....I'm in no rush to find out for sure...
I'm gonna try to enjoy the view today, I hope that you can too...
Hmmmm....I'm thinking that there's something that I wanna talk about but the words just won't flow...they seem to be stuck together....oh bother...
Oh...yeah...now I remember - I was gonna ask if anyone else has had the feeling that they were being watched lately...if so - remember to look up...
Yes...I did just combine Winnie the Pooh and a comment about masturbating into the same post. Blame the view...I intend to!! LOL!!
Seriously though...I've got my first real first date in over a decade coming up on Saturday night and I'm a bit nervous about it. I intend to just be me and do all the little things that I used to...but it's been over a decade...to say I'm rusty would be an understatement. Oh well...whatever happens - happens...
I'm just gonna take some time between now and then to enjoy the view. I hope that you enjoy your own view this weekend, too.
Morning all. Sorry I hadn't posted anything new yesterday - but it was a very long day for me and I didn't much feel like chatting.
Because we can't agree on custody issues my divorce is still dragging on...now to almost 3 years. Yesterday I was technically married to TB for 9 years. See why I wasn't so chatty?? A good friend gave me permission to dislike TB very much....so I am taking advantage of it.
Today the view is better...but I'm still not 100%...so I'm gonna just take today easy. Hope you enjoy your own view today.
I'm kinda out of ideas for what to say today...so I'm going to try an experiment here...a backwards kind of a meme. If anyone likes the way this turns out for me, feel free to use it yourself.
I'm fairly sure that each of you has formed a mental picture of who I am by reading the drivel that pours forth from my mind on a daily basis. I would like to know in a single word...how would you describe me??
Please explain your word choice...I'll start - I feel that the word that best describes me is trying. I keep trying to be the person that everyone in my world expects me to be...sometimes I succede...sometimes I don't...but I keep trying. Also I've been told that I'm rather trying too....but that's a different story.
So...in a single word...Who or What is Mr. G? How do you view me??
I owe you all an update here...but I'm afraid that I don't have a lot to say today.
Friday morning, just after I made my last post my cousin passed away. His funeral was held on Sunday afternoon. My parents and both siblings flew to Canada for the funeral, I stayed here because I had my Son. He is still just a little too young to have understood why his Daddy canceled Father's Day, so we spent the day together.
Dropping him off at his mother's and not having family around last night was rough. I wound up drinking more wine than I should have with my late dinner to try to silence some of the thoughts that were echoing through my head...I forgot that alcohol is a mood amplifier - whatever mood you're in when you start to drink becomes more intense as you drink and no amount on alcohol can change that. I finally remembered this and stopped drinking and went to sleep early...which for me is 10 PM. While I woke up ok today...the thoughts from last night still hound me...I hope that they silence themselves soon.
I'm gonna try to enjoy the view today...after all the sky is clear and the sun is shining...I hope you enjoy your own view today.
So this morning the sun rose above the waters...spreading its warmth upon me as the waves gently lapped at my ankles. The sky as it lit before me was colored in the most magnificent shades of pink and red..dancing across the water...hanging on the edges of the clouds...and me without my camera.
Yes, today is a much better day here...my cousin is still hanging on and he's getting the chance to say his goodbyes. My Dad and I had a little chat this morning and he seems to be doing a little better too...like it's been accepted and he's ready to move on to whatever happens next. It might have helped that I told him that I'm taking him fishing next month...LOL!
I decided that we both needed a break from the 'real' world, so I went online yesterday (yes - at work...bad, bad Mr. G) and booked a mini-vacation for us back to somewhere we haven't been in about 20 years. I found and booked the hotel we used to stay at...it was always a small family owned business, but it's now owned by a different family...the fishing guide we used to use has retired, but his nephew took over the business so that's booked too. All we have to do is show up and fish...exactly what the Dr. ordered...
In the meantime...Sunday is Father's Day and I get to spend it not only with my Son, but with my Dad. I hope that you all get to spend some time either with your own Father or remembering Him on this day set aside for us. I know that I'll be enjoying my own view both today and this weekend...no matter what happens. I hope you get to enjoy your own view, too....
UPDATE: I've spent some time today just pulling myself together a little bit. I borrowed a co-workers motorcycle during lunch...first time I've ever ridden a BMW motorcycle....turns out it was just as helpful as the Harley ride was a couple weeks ago. My head is clear and my sense of duty has reasserted itself...I can now do whatever is necessary to care for my family...luckily I've got some very good friends that are looking out for me and my well-being while my attention is turned elsewhere. THANK YOU!!!
So I got my fire rained out last night....the bottle of wine had turned because I stored it wrong...and my cousin is worsening by the moment...
Sorry...not a lot of joy here in Mudville today...
Today even the beauty of the sunrise couldn't ease the turmoil within. Today I've been thinking of family...of duty...and I can't stop the thoughts.
One of my father's first cousins is being transferred to hospice this morning. He went into the first stages of renal failure yesterday. This is hitting everyone in the family hard because it's another loss at too early an age...but it's really hitting my father hard because he was raised with this cousin and views him as the older brother he never had. I've mentioned before that I am the first born Son of a first born Son, but it goes deeper than that...I am the 7th generation first born Son in my family...I have not only the responsibility to take care of my immediate family...but it is my role to be the anchor that holds the extended family together also...at times like this, I wish there were someone else to do it.
My Gram, was the youngest of 14 children...together she and her siblings had over 50 children...today my Gram is the last of her generation and my father is one of less than a dozen of his generation. From my generation there are less than 30 of us and my Son's generation is barely out of the single digits...my family is shrinking and I can almost see a time when there will be no more of my line. This thought scares me...
I'm not just stuck on the morbid today...I've got some happy thoughts floating through this skull of mine...it's just that I can't bring myself to talk about them...it just doesn't seem right.
Sorry if today's post has brought you down...I'm ok - really...I'm going to get through today so I can spend tonight sitting and watching the sun set and build a fire in the fire-pit. I'll open a good bottle of wine and watch the flames dance and sway...this will be my view.
Please try and enjoy your own view today...whatever it may be...
Seems that I just can't turn off part of my mind....and I never thought I would do this, but I'm actually about to quote a Meatloaf song....LOL!
The lines are "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that....Oh no, I won't do that."
What would you do or not do for love? Please, spare me...I don't want to hear the 'romantic' "I would die for love" kind of comments because there's no love in that...Love requires faith, strength and courage...death is none of these...it takes far more of each to live for love.
I once thought that there was nothing that I wouldn't do for love...unfortunately I've since learned differently - the hard and painful way. I know my own limits...I know where the line that I can't cross is...I'm just curious to see if I'm alone in my extreme...
What's the one line I won't cross?? Well - it's two fold...first - I won't ever break a promise...if you hold my heart and you ask me to promise to do or not do something, there is nothing that will cause me to break that promise...and the second part...well, I'm sorry if you all think me a coward, but I won't gamble with losing the person that I love. If there is the posibility that what I am about to do will make that person remove themself from my life forever - I won't do it. I will do anything else...pay any other cost...physically, emotionally or mentally, but I won't intentionally chase that person from my life.
This morning I was sitting with a cup of strong brewed coffee...watching the sun rise over the trees in my backyard...reflecting on the path that lies before me and looking forward to a planned rest stop that awaits me down the road. Not sure why this is so on my mind today...but since it is I might as well tell you all about it.
Consider this advanced warning...call it planned maintenance...call it whatever you like - but I am going to be taking a little break from all blog activity (reading and posting) in November. Not for long...only a week or three...just long enough to pull this trailer over to the side of the road...put it up on jacks and do a stem to stern, wheels off, safety inspection and overhaul.
Now...this is the plan...but you all know what can happen to even the best laid plans. As I get closer to this planned overhaul, I promise to keep you all informed...but for now I just wanted to get this out in the ether.
Today's post could and probably should be about trying to deal with both my shame for being an idiot last night and trying to deal with the anger and hurt from a friend as a result of admitting my sheer stupidity this morning...but it isn't. Instead today's post is about something I heard on the radio on the way to work.
The station that I was listening to was debating the Meaning of Life. As they were talking the scene from the movie City Slickers came to mind...if you've seen the movie you know the one...if not - one character describes the Meaning of Life as "Just one thing. That one thing may be different for each person, but when you find that one thing...you'll know the Meaning of Life." (For the record...they played the clip from the movie just as I was thinking about it or I wouldn't have remembered the words.)
I turned the radio off and started to think about this for a little while...and I believe that I'm on the trail to finding my Meaning of Life. So far I've been able to figure out that my Meaning of Life is not riches or fame...it is not even the adoration of my Son...it could be the love and laughter shared with Friends and Family....it might be being always completely and totally brutally honest with myself and others...it might simply be to just be me.
I'm going to take some time today and see if I can't find my one thing. Enjoy the view and good luck finding your own one thing...
Today one of the most important people in my life is celebrating her birthday! Now, I know that she's already had her cake today (I made sure of that)...but I wasn't able to share the candles with her...so Sugar, make a wish, pucker up and blow, Baby!!
DHL made their delivery for you nice and early today, so you got part of your gift already, but I still owe you the other 2 parts. Problem is it will have to wait a little, you need to collect them in person when you're visiting. One part requires that you be dressed 'to the nines'...
I know that Garv is your favorite artist so I'm using one of his pictures for the other part of your gift. This part requires you to just sit back and let the girls dance for you...
May all your hopes, wishes and dreams become reality this year, my darling Friend. Have the happiest of birthdays!!!
So...this morning the sun came up on my view with just a few high floating clouds dotting the sky. The sunrise was magnificent and I'm looking forward to enjoying the day. Today is the kind of day where you just feel good and want to make sure that all your loved ones know that they are special to you.
I hope that each of you are able to take a moment and let those that are important to you know how much they mean to you today. I'm sure that I have let those in my life know exactly where they stand, but in case I haven't I'll be making time to do so...soon.
Earlier today, before the sun rose on this new view, I was reminded of a song by former Men at Work frontman Colin Hay...the song is called Waiting For My Real Life To Begin...and while the song is wistful, I also find it inspiring.
The song ends with the line "On a clear day, I can see a very long way." That's one thing that this new view has yet to provide for me...a long view. For the short view, I can see a long curvy road to my next waypoint. I can see that point...it's on the edge of my horizon, but it's there...and I'm walking to it.
I intend to cherish ever step of my journey and relish the view before me as that waypoint approaches. It may take me every moment of the next 6 months to get there...but I will get there. Perhaps from there I will be standing tall enough to see the long view.
Until then I will enjoy my view...I hope you all can enjoy your own view.
I wasn't planning on posting anything else until Monday...but this picture spoke to me...reminded me of an old Glen Campbell song called the Wichita Lineman...I'm posting the lyrics below so that if you aren't familiar with the song you'll understand. I think the song is definitely worth digging up if you've never heard it...
I am a lineman for the county And I drive the main road Searching in the sun For another overload I hear you singing in the wires I can hear you through the whine And the Wichita lineman Is still on the line
I know I need a small vacation But it don’t look like rain And if it snows That stretch down south Won’t ever stand the strain
And I need you more than want you And I want you for all time And the Wichita lineman Is still on the line
And I need you more than want you And I want you for all time And the Wichita lineman Is still on the line
This will really be it for me...other than maybe sneaking a peak at everyone that I read over the weekend...until we talk again...enjoy your view.
This post is a major departure for me...I'm doing something that I've never done before on this or the old site...I'm giving you all a tangible gift.
It occurred to me that there are many different kinds of views...I wanted to share a special one with you all for the weekend.
Whatever you have planned...try to find some time to enjoy your view...I'll be sharing mine with my Son, so I'm bound to have a great view this weekend.
Until Monday morning...click here to enjoy my gift to you...
